


The Trip That Never Was

by JazzyGirlFriday



Category: The Facts of Life
Genre: F/F, Spoof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 14:53:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9187097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JazzyGirlFriday/pseuds/JazzyGirlFriday
Summary: Summary:  It's Jo and Blair's Senior year. The girl’s and Ms. Garrett try to go on a spontaneous trip in to the city.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The Facts of Life and the character’s are not mine; this is done for fun only. This is a spoof, a comedy of probably many errors but bear with me. I love the show. Have been a fan since inception and wanted to do something fun with them because they just offer up so much material. After watching so many episodes the lines kinda stick with you, ya know? So I thought I’d try something different by creating a comedy sketch that includes some of their more memorable dialogue with a bit of a twist of humor (which is just fancy for saying my own zaniness). This is a femslash comedy spoof...and no doubt a bit suggestive with Jo and Blair…or is it? Get ya’ mind outta tha gutta’!

**THE FACTS OF LIFE: THE LOST EPISODES**

 

 

 **Ms.G** : Girl’s. Girl’s? GIIIRLS!!!

 **Nat** : < _runs in_ > What is it Ms. G? We could hear you all the way in gym class!

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 **Ms.G** : Girl’s I need you to get your things ready WE’RE GOING INTO THE CITY!!

 **Tootie** : Oh boy!

 **MsG** : Not you Tootie, the older girl’s….AND NATALIE!

 **Tootie** : But I wanna go toooo!

 **MsG** : WHEN YOU’RE OLDER TOOTIE!

 **Tootie** : But I wanna be older!

 **MsG** : < _warning_ > TOOTIE!

 **Nat** : Tootie don’t whine, next year you’ll be able to go to New York City with the rest of us.

 **Jo** : Yeah Kid…Ya’ getting’ ta be a real drag with awl ya’ whinnin’ and poutin’…

 **Blair** : < _breezes in with twenty suit cases_ > Well….. I’m all packed…

 **Jo** : Are ya going inta’ the city for the day or stayin’ forra month?

 **Blair** : Turn Blue!

 **MsG** : Blair… WE’RE ONLY GOING TO SEE A PLAY!!

 **Tootie** : A play? No fair I want to be an actress! I should be able to go to the play!

 **Jo** : Ya want me ta’ poppa’ one MsG? Huh? Just turn your back forra minute..

 **Ms.G** : Jo. THEY’LL BE NO VIOLENCE AT EASTLAND! Now girl’s get ready, OUR TRAIN LEAVES IN AN HOUR!

 **Blair** : An hour? I’ll never be ready in that time. < _flips hair_ >

 **Jo** : Ya will if ya’ loose about twenty bags.

 **Nat** : < _snicker_ >

 **Blair** : They’re called…. suitcases – au lait vous en nuvous prisee – you Neanderthal!

 **Jo** : Who cares! And I was tawkin’ about the bags unda’ ya’ eyes farrah…

 **Blair** : < _sneers at Jo_ > _If you weren’t so cute I’d deck you._

 **Jo** : < _sneers at Blair_ > S _he’s kinda hot when she’s pissed. I should make it a habit of getting’ on huh bad side more often, heh, heh.._

 **Nat** : Girls, girls…I think what we have here is a case of –

 **Blair** : Stick a sock in it Nat! Fine… I’ll just take…. _one_ suit case.

 **Ms.G** : That’s better Blair… NOW GIRLS GO FRESHEN UP AND BE READY TO GO!

 **Geri** : < _walzes in_ > Go where?

 **Ms. G, Jo, Tootie, Nat, Blair** : Gerrrrieee!

 **Geri** : Hi guy’s! I just drove all the way here after being on Merve, and boy are my arms tired. I would’ve taken the train but the one going to the city jumped the tracks so there’s no more rides today.

 **Ms G** : OH SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOOT!!

 **Jo** : What is it Ms G?

 **Nat** : Did Geri’s news about being on Merve, her bad joke about her arms being tired and the train jumping the tracks - rub you the wrong way?

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Ms G** : No I just remembered my car is in the shop! I CAN’T EVEN GIVE YOU GIRLS A RIDE INTO THE CITY!!

 **Nat** : What about your Porsche Blair?

 **Blair** : Not on your life…besides…it only seats two…

 **Jo** : Ha! I can beat that, my bike seats one!

 **Blair** : Who would want to ride on the back of _this_ girl’s filthy bike?…with the wind whipping through her hair…holding on tight to ... < _breathless_ >….strong muscular thighs as she…. takes hard curves and sharp—

 **Geri** : You sure know a lot about what it’s like to ride on the back of Jo’s bike Blair.

 **Nat** : It’s the fates. Blair on the back of Jo’s bike – holding on tight as they ride into the city and –

 **Jo** : Can it Nat. Nobody’s gettin’ a ride on my bike! Not even me….it’s in the shop too.

 **Blair** : < _sarcastically_ > Quelle bummer.

 **Jo** : < _sneering_ >

 **Geri** : Guy’s relax. I can give you all a ride in my car! It seats four!

 **Blair** : But there’s five of us going.

 **Nat** : She was always such a wiz at math.

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Jo** : SIX, if ya count farrah’s suitcase.

 **Blair** : < _sneering_ >

 **Jo** : < _sneering_ >

 **Geri** : Well…someone _could_ ride in the trunk.

 **Blair** : Well don’t you all look at me!

 **Nat** : I think it’s fair. After all Blair, _you’re_ the only one taking luggage.

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Jo** : Ya’ mean baggage < _snicker_ >.

 **Blair** : Suitcase, suitcase! How many times do I have to tell you! Besides, being in the trunk would wreak havoc on my bone structure.

 **Jo** : What difference would it make? Plastic surgery’s in ya’ futcha’ anyway.

 **Blair** : < _sneering_ >

 **Jo** : < _sneering_ >

 **Ms. G** : Oh Geri….Geri! DO YOU THINK YOU REEEEEEALY COULD?!!

 **Geri** : Sure! Let’s go everyone. The trips on me!

 **Tootie** : Yay!

 **Geri** : Except you Tootie…sorry.

 **Tootie:** < _sad_ > You too Geri?

 **Geri:** I’m afraid so Tootie.

 **Tootie** : Will you go with me Geri? You know… when I’m older?

 **Geri:** Shhuuure. I’ll go with you, so you won’t be so afraid. It’ll be fun! You’ll see.

 **Tootie** : Well…If you say so…

 **Nat:** Great! Then let’s go.

 **Geri:** I’ll go wait for you guy’s in the car.  < _leaves_ >

 **Ms G** : < _claps hands_ > Good. Then it’s ALL SETTLED!

 **Nat** : Uh Blair? This time don’t bring back half of Bloomingdales. We’re supposed to take in a show not take in a store!

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Blair** : Ahh, Natalie…..Nat-lee, Nat-lee, Nat-lee…

 **Jo** : < _roll’s eyes_ >

 **Blair** : I don’t….. “take in” a store. I try it on…..like a negligee… < _winks_ >

 **Jo** : We’re not doin’ anything stooped!

 **Blair** : Believe me I wouldn’t expect that of _you_ , you heathen!

 **Jo** : < _eyes Blair_ > And just who are ya cawlin’ a heathen? Muffin head!

 **Blair** : < _eyes Jo_ > You leave my hair out of this!

 **MsG** : Girls…

 **Jo** : I nevah touched _your_ hair!

 **MsG** : Girls?…

 **Blair** : You wouldn’t know what to do with _my_ hair if you ran your FINGERS through it!

 **Jo** : < _angry_ > Oh yeah?!

 **Blair** : Yeah!

 **Jo** : Youreouttaya’ mind!

 **Blair** : Prove it! Touch it!

 **Jo** : Shut up Blair!

 **Blair** : You self righteous pain in the neck! Go on! Prove you know what to do with my hair running through your fingers!!

 **MsG** : GIRLS!!

 **Jo &Blair**: What is it Misses Gee?

 **MsG** : < _taps temple_ > IS THIS VEIN THROBBING?!

 **Nat** : < _mumbles_ > That’s not the only thing that’s throbbing…

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **MsG** : _*GASP*_ NATALIE! ……Now Girl’s …I’m going to say this calmly…GET YOUR ASSES OUT OF HERE OR I’LL BEAT YOU WITH MY FRYING PAN!!

 **Nat** : Misses Gee, careful…your blood pressure…

 **MsG** : Oh…So THAT’S what this is about!

 **Jo** : No this is about Blair’s mouth!

 **Blair** : Me?! What about _your_ mouth?!

 **Jo** : Well at least MY mouth doesn’t sound like it hazza slow leak!

 **Blair** : It’s called breathing!

 **Jo:** It’s cawled sigh-in’ and it makes me wanna’ give ya a lube job!

 **Nat:** Wait…I’m confused…you wanna give Blair a lube job because she’s breathing?

 **Jo:** < _crosses arms, taps foot_ > Yeeeah…startin’ with huh lips!

 **Nat:** _< mumbling>… __which lips?_

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **MsG:** < _scowling_ > NATALIE!!

 **Nat:** Sorry, sorry…

 **Blair:** And just how do you plan on doing that? Misses Good wrench!

 **Jo:** I’m gonna seal ‘em…but first I’m gonna loosen some teeth!

 **Blair** : *Gasp* Misses Garrett! Did you hear that?

 **MsG** : JO WATCH YOUR TOUGNE!!

 **Nat** : < _mumbles_ > … _especially when you’re loosening Blair’s teeth!_

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **MsG** : * _GASP_ * NATALIE!.... I’M SURROUNDED BY …BY…

< ** _loud crashing noise coming from the kitchen_** >

 **Jo** : What wazzat?

 **Nat** : It sounded like a loud crashing noise coming from the kitchen!

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **MrsG** : < _opens kitchen door_ > TOOTIE!!!

 **Tootie** : < _knocks over glass_ > Oh, uh…hi guyz! *hic*

 **MsG** : *Gasp!* TOOTIE! < _sniff_ > YOU’RE DRUNK!

 **Tootie** : < _sniff_ > *Gasp!* Soware yooo! *hic*

 **MsG** : NEVER MIND THAT! HOW DID YOU GET IN THIS CONDITION?!

 **Tootie** : You guyz never lemme do anythin’ s-sso I went inta Blurr’s chest an got sumthin’ ta dink! *hic*

 **Blair:** Tootie! That’s _my_ chest! And it’s private!

 **Tootie** : Oh yeah Blurr…I foun dis < _holds up hand cuffs_ > an dis < _holds up thong_ > *hic*

 **Blair** : *GASP!* Tootie!

 **Tootie** : An..uh this.. funny lookin’ thing wiffa loooong—

 **Jo** : < _grabs it_ > That’s mine!

 **Blair** : Tootie, my chest was locked!

 **Jo** : < _chuckling_ > Everybody know’s where ya hide the key blondie…

 **Blair** : < _hands on hips_ > I hide it in my cleavage – you barbarian!

 **Tootie** : I dint know dat…*hic*

 **MsG** : ME EITHER!

 **Nat** : < _evil grin_ > I had not a clue…

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Jo** : Well whataya lookin’ at me for?! I didn’t reach in ta Blair’s cleavage, rummage around, finally find it afta’ hours ah searchin’ and then give it ta Toodie!

 **Nat &Tootie**: Yes.You.Did!

 **MsG** : < _eye’s Jo_ > …JO….

 **Jo** : < _nervous laughter_ > Toodie’s drunk…an..an..Nat…well..she’s…she’s…

 **Nat** : < _smug_ > Oh this I gotta hear…

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Meg** : Hi everyone!

 **Blair, Nat, Tootie, MsG** : Hi Meg!

 **Jo** : Meg! Howz it goin’ in the nun business? Heh heh!

 **Blair** : Before you answer that Meg, Jo was just going to tell us about how she came to have the key to my chest.

 **Meg** : < _whispering to Jo_ > I thought I told you to pray about that…

 **Jo** : Aw will ya knock it off Blair? Hah? Meg here doesn’t wanna hear about awl that! She’s a woman ah God!

 **MsG** : Girl’s we don’t have any time for this! GERI’S WAITING FOR US!

 **Meg** : Actually I just talked to Geri. She left…said you guys were taking too long.

 **MsG** : WHAAT?! OOHH NOOO - aaAAaaaAAHAAARRRRRGG!!

 **Nat** : < _wide eyes_ > Misses Garrett! That was both loud _and_ dramatic!

 **MsG** : Oh I’m sorry but ALL THE PLANS ARE RUINED!

 **Tootie** : I think I’m gonna be sick…

 **MsG** : Oh Tootie… Let’s go upstairs AND GET YOU INTO BED!…AND GIRLS DON’T THINK FOR A MINUTE I’M NOT GOING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE THING!

 **Blair** : This is all Jo’s fault.

 **Jo** : < _rolls eyes_ > Let it go Blair.

 **Meg** : Hey, I could give you guys a ride into the city…I have the convent van.

 **MsG** : OH MEG! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I’ll get Tootie to bed and then… WE’LL LEAVE!

 **MsG** : No problem Ms. Garrett…for some reason the nun’s only trust me to _swing_ into the city to collect and drop off all of the donated items from the churches...they send me into some really rough areas though.

 **Jo** : Oh yeah? Evah swing through my neighba-hood? The Bronx?

 **Meg** : Oh yes! I have to say I try to stay out of those neighborhoods. They’ve called me everything from a slut to a bitch…to a lesbian…

 **Blair** : *Gasp!*

 **Nat** : And she’s just talking about the nun’s!

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Jo** : Yeah I know what ya mean…I mean about the Lesbian part..heh..and I wasn’t even swinging through pickin’ up anything heh heh…

 **Meg** : < _shrug_ > In Brooklyn it gets a little better.

 **Jo:** No kiddin?

 **Meg** : < _shakes head_ > Jersey City drop off’s are the worst. I can’t really repeat anything but < _sigh_ > I really hate swinging through there.

 **Jo** : Geez! The nun’s say awl ah that ta ya?

 **Meg** : Yes, and I have a good mind to confront them about it. < _shakes head_ > No, something’s not right. If they’re having such strong reactions to me swinging through, I must being going about it all wrong.

 **Jo** : I know what ya mean. I get a lotta’ strong reactions whenever I….ya know…do the _swing_ thing on my bike.

 **Nat** : Could that be _your_ swing-thing Blair?

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Blair** : Natalie. Have you been writing to prisoners again?

 **Jo** : < _annoyed_ > Don’t starwt with Nat!

 **Blair** : < _innocently_ > I wasn’t. I was simply implying she’s old enough to know better.

 **Jo** : < _crosses arms_ > Oh and now _you’re_ an expert on relationships…

 **Blair** : < _hand on hip_ > Misses Garrett told her not to!

 **Jo** : She was tawkin about sex!

 **Blair** : That’s not what _you_ said last night when I was in _your_ bed under the moon!

 **Jo** : How could I?! Last night your _stuff_ was awl ovah me, I couldn’t breathe!

 **Blair** : That _stuff_ is my personal fragrance!

 **Jo** : Well it’s awl ovah ya sheets!

 **Blair** : You never complained _once_ last night!

 **Jo** : Yeah? Well ya had ya window open _awl night_ Blair! I was practically blinded by all that shimmerin’ and glistenin’!

 **Blair** : Well I switched beds so I could be caressed in yours!

 **Jo:** Yeah, and then ya tried ta throw my tools out!

 **Blair** : How was I supposed to _feel_ caressed with your tools constantly banging me in the head you grungy grease monkey!

 **Nat** : <thinking> … _I never thought I’d say this but TMI!_

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **MsG** : GIRLS! SHHH! TOOTIES TRYING TO SLEEP!!

 **Tootie:** < _rubs eyes_ > Who could sleep? < _yawns_ > with Jo and Blair goin’ at it.

 **MsG** : Girls are you ready to confess about the alcohol?

 **Blair** : < _chuckling_ > Misses Geeee…Really…What is alcohol but a grape that has been stomped to death and fermented until it- Is-bottled-in-a-bottle-with-a-fancy-label, yes?

 **MsG** : No. Nice try Blair but I want… THE TRUTH!

 **Jo** : Nice goin’ Blondie! Because ya hadda hava chest fulla wine, Toodie’s a drunk, Nat’s mind is in the gutta’ and Misses Gee’s veins are throbbin’ on the sidda huh head!

 **Blair** : You make it sound like _I’m_ the only guilty party! You pried open my chest in the middle of the night!

 **MsG** : < _eyes Jo_ >

 **Jo** : I needed to put my stuff in there! What was I supposed ta do?! Leave it out in the open for Nat ‘n Toodie ta see?

 **Blair** : You spilled your _stuff_ all over my chest you heathen!

 **Jo:** Ehh one of ya jugs broke when I was tryin’ ta put it in - Misses Onassis.. . Alla my stuff wouldn’t fit anyway.

 **MsG** : Oh mmmyyy!

 **Nat** : Um…Jo… is there something you want to tell us?

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Tootie** : Ya’ll are in trrroubllllle!

 **Jo** : I had a six pack!

 **MsG** : Wait! Beer?!

 **Jo** : < _confused look_ > Yeah…whad ya think it was? Certainly not some fancy-smancy wine like Blairy-pie here!

 **Meg** : Actually girls we had wine at the retreat. It was nice. We loosened up and told great stories.

 **MsG** : Meg, don’t encourage them!

 **Tootie** : Yeah, I got sick because of it.

 **Blair** : And my chest got soaked because of it.

 **Jo** : I’m just glad I set my six pack _on_ _toppa_ ’ Blair’s chest last night, othawise _it_ woulda gotten soaked!

 **MsG** : < _to Nat_ > NOT A WORD!!

 **Nat** : < _closes mouth_ >

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **Meg** : I’m Sorry Misses Garrett…Maybe I should go…If you’re all having such strong reactions to my being in favor of wine, I’m not going about it the right way.

 **MsG** : Maybe you SHOULD go Meg!

 **Meg** : I’ll be at the convent if anyone needs me < _leaves_ >

 **Nat** : < _muttering_ > Maybe the nun’s had a point about her.

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **MsG** : Well what do we do now? WE’RE ALL STUCK HERE!

 **Blair** : That’s the great thing about Sunday’s Misses Garrett…you don’t _have_ to do anything  < _smiling_ >

 **Jo** : Yeah except its Tuesday ya airbrain!

 **Blair** : < _sneering_ > Better and airbrain than a jack-ass!

 **MsG** : BLAIR!!

 **Jo** : Bull!

 **MsG** : JO!!

 **Tootie** : Double Bull!

 **MsG** : TOOTIE!!

 **Nat** : TRIPLE BULL and that’s my final answer! < _snicker_ >

 

<AUDIENCE LAUGHTER>

 

 **MsG** : AHAHHAAARRGGG! I’M BACK TO SQUARE ONE WITH YOU GIRLS!!

 

**FIN**

 

**Tune in next time to see if the girl’s and Misses G finally make it out of the Eastland Cafeteria.

 

 


End file.
